I have an unhealthy, unsustainable relationship with video games. Given any opportunity I will avoid responsibilities, appointments, and my better judgement to spend time looking at the bright pixels and feeling my brain light up.
In my teenage years, I recall feeling that I was using video games to escape reality. I was bored often and rather that make my life interesting, I would simply hop on the computer and feel good. The healthiest time in my life was when access to video games was the most difficult for me. In college, for a long period I had no access to the kind of computer where I could waste away my life on games so did other things like attend my classes and do my homework. However, the outbreak of COVID caused me to bring my work computer home and suddenly I had games in my life again.
There were many reasons that that period of my life was difficult and led to me dropping out of college, but I truly believe my addiction was a factor. I could tell the effect it was having on my wife and how my being glued to the screen was hurting both of us. But I couldn’t stop. Stopping meant facing the real world where I had let everything deteriorate. Spending time in reality made me crave the sweet bliss of games even more.
Fast forward to today and due to significant improvements in other areas of my life, the real world feels far more bearable. Still, depression and anhedonia come and go with some regularity. The most recent bout led me to spend multiple days of over 12 hours bathing in the happy chemicals. In a moment of clarity, I unplugged the whole system and separated the parts to make the reassembly difficult enough to resist momentary temptation. Once the craving hit, I decided that maybe I could have an OK relationship if I simply let video games exist on my laptop. After a day where I stayed up until 4am, I decided that that could similarly not be allowed.
So here we are. I still have some games on my phone to help pass the time. I don’t find them nearly as engaging (read ‘addictive’) so I’m allowing them for now. But who knows? Maybe I’ll let those spiral into a problem as well.
Addiction is not fun. It feels like I have placed so much importance and significance on this ritual of throwing away my time, yet without it, everything feels more dull. Rather, I let my brain feel artificial highs for so long, that in comparison, little joys feel bland. I hope to reach a point where I can feel more at peace and engaged with the world around me, but I don’t believe it will be soon. I believe my path forward is simply pressing on and trying to enjoy what I can.
On a closing note, I would like to say that I do not think all video game use is addictive and that all players are addicts. There are many beautiful games and incredible experiences within them. What I do believe is that I cannot maintain the relationship where the entertainment is a seasoning on top of life. I consistently allow the entertainment to become my life. If these feelings resonate with you, I hope you can find a happier place in life where you feel more control over your hours and days. I hope that you feel the necessary self-compassion to allow yourself the grace to make mistakes on the path to something better. I hope you feel the love you inherently deserve and I wish you the best.